“Tama na yan” are the words uttered to me by my friends this past few days. “It’s time to treat yourself first!” At some point this are the mildest words of saying “Ang tanga-tanga mo!”
Hmmm! Harsh huh! But it did help, a LOT! They are what I call my true friends.
It’s been so long that I’m keeping the pain inside of me. I’ve accepted all those tears even thou my heart was already breaking down brought about by the so-called love. I have fought for him and our relationship. Thou it is very complicated because in the first place it is not clear if ano ba talaga kami. Parang kami na hindi kami. But if others think na kami its ok. We cannot blame them coz we acted like “kami”. So magulo right? And the real thing is, ‘commitment’ was never part of this scenario. I did everything just to make things right but unfortunately it didn’t work out. There are really some things not meant to be but I’m not saying that it’s the end for both of us. He has to fix things first, the mess he created, and the trouble he got in to. At the same time I will also try to make my life right. And still hope for the BETTER.
I cannot say that he is lying, he just don’t know how to explain and tell the truth. I really want to hear from him what’s the truth. But of course, I failed. Wala akong napiga sa kanya. I have so many questions in mind, why he did this, what’s the problem, did he love me, is this a game or a joke, etc. and he gave me only one answer, “Yes, I do love you and I did choose you”, but deep inside my mind I ask, if he do loves my why did he allow this situation, a prolonged pain and agony.
“Ito na ang kinalakihan ko and I cannot changed it” he said. This has always been his excused why he is like that (in simplest term – babaero). But I still defended him, trying to convince my family (this includes my REACH and ENCIRCLE family), friends and officemates that he is not! (alam niyo na???) I wanted to prove them wrong but it’s just so ironic that while I’m doing this he is not making any effort to prove himself. Instead, pinanindigan pa niya ito.
Martir na kung martir, yes I am, this is because I love him. I thought I can change him and make him a better person. But everything started to get worst. And yes he is right in telling me that “Wala ka ng magagawa!” and asking me “Sa tingin mo mababago mo ko?” I know at that time that he was right and it’s so painful on my part that I can’t do anything about it. My friends keep telling me, that “The more you stick to him the more you tolerate his acts.” I really don’t mind this words not until today that I’ve realized I have to give him up.
It’s time to fly, to grow, and to move on.
Breaking the silence doesn’t always mean your making a scandal, rather, you just want others to learn from you.
My friends and family has always been sensitive to my feelings. Even though I’m not telling them what is really happening to me they still manage to care. It makes me smile for a while knowing that they are still there caring for me asking me “Musta ka na?” or “Hope you are doing well!” Well, thanks to the technology of texting.
Others were sending forwarded messages and thou you know that they send it for a different purpose and not to patamaan ka o I-remind ka but somehow nagamit ko ang mga ito to help me in my realizations. Here are some of the text messages:
“If it comes from God, don’t be afraid to lose it. It’ll be replaced. If it doesn’t come from God, you wouldn’t need it anyway. Losing is transition to gaining.”
“Loving is when you just want the best for that person, whether it includes you or not.”
“Sometimes the people who are afraid of having a commitment are the persons who know the real meaning of it.”
“Sometimes the worst thing that happens to us can open the door for the best that God has to give.”
“The greatest feeling in life is to find someone who knows your faults and weaknesses but still willing to embrace you with so much love without doubt.”
“Sometimes you just have to lower your expectations to avoid unnecessary disappointments.”
“Never tell yourself ‘I am tired!’ the more you accept that thought, the more exhausted you’ll become. Life is a matter of perspective, it all depends on how you look at it.”
Aside from these text messages God also spoke to me during my quiet time. He knows when and how to rescue and comfort me. He didn’t even forsake me. At my lowest point, he said in his word in Ephesians 3: 14, 16 I bow my knees to the Father… that he would grant you … to be strengthened with might through his spirit.
Its just so comforting knowing that you just need to bow down, pray and ask Him to strengthen to you. The prayer goes this way, “Lord, spiritually, I am confused, so pray for understanding. Physically, I am tired, so pray for rest. Emotionally, I am very weak, so pray for strength. Mentally, I am wounded, so pray for peace.” After uttering these words slowly my heart stops beating fast and eventually I felt my pulse has come back to its normal mode.
I’m entrusting everything to God. He is in control of everything. He holds the future. Like what the song of Michael Smith entitled Friends said, “Though it’s hard to let you go, In the Father’s hands we know, That a lifetime’s not too long, To live as friends”
To conclude, it is said that if we were to help the butterfly remove itself from the cocoon, the butterfly would not be strong enough to survive. It is the struggle that prepares the butterfly to become strong enough to fly. Without the struggle in the cocoon, it could not survive as a butterfly.
Now, I can say that I am free. Like the butterfly struggling to get out of the cocoon, I am now ready to face the world, a stronger and a mature me.
Yes, it’s time to go, and yes, its time to let go. Let God’s will be done!